Thursday, March 31, 2011
Saturday, March 19, 2011
Transormation pains...
The past year has been full of change, loss, and growth, but it is only until recently that I realize that I am different. All of these events have transformed me. They have totally changed the shape of me. This recent shift in the shape of my being has transformed the ways in which others relate to me. Mostly, I have found this shift in relations to be overwhelmingly fulfilling and joyful. However, a recent episode has made me keenly aware of the other side of that shift in relationships--a phenomenon which I refer to as transformation pains. Transformation pains aren't sad, or happy, they just are. You realize them when you are sitting in a group of people who are talking about things that you once might have enjoyed or have been entertained by and hear yourself saying "I no longer feel connected....or need to feel connected to this...." "I don't want to be a player in this game" Transformation pains are evident when everyone I was out with called to see if I was okay because I was quiet. See, I was contained. When meaningless, gossipy comments abounded, I chose not to react. I became an observer. This is a game that I would rather not be a player in. It was a conscious choice made on my part at that moment. There was nothign "wrong" with me. I find myself wanting to discuss ideas in a world of people who would rather discuss things, or worse, other people. I want to surround myself by people who make things happen for themselves. I want to have meaningful conversations with those around me. When the conversation shifts to things that I do not want nor no longer need to be a part of my life--judgemental gossip, I pull out of the game. No judgement of those who choose this. I don't think that my choice to not partake in this type of conversation is better than their decision to particpate. It is simply their choice and simply not mine. The choice to withdraw is not about them. It is about me. And what I want in my life. But sometimes that hurts. Transformation pains hurt the most when I realize that other people whom I love are stuck. Or maybe when I realize that the relationships that I had with people can not be the same at this time because they don't work unless I am the old me. And I don't think that the old me is coming back . Yup, it hurts. A friend of mine said to me yesterday that what she loved about me was my loyalty- how fiercely protective I am. And that is certainly a large part of who I was and still am. But what is different, is that I am now fiercly loyal and protective of myself and to those things that matter to me. For the first time in my life, it is truly not about everyone else , it is about me.
Thursday, March 17, 2011
St. Patty's Day
St. Patty's day is my second favorite holiday of the year. This is the first St. Patty's Day in a long time that I haven't been out in the revelry, getting into trouble, and waking up with a wicked headache the next day. It is not that I am not celebrating this year. I am. I have a great night lined up. I am writing a literature review for a case study that I am super excited about. I have my favorite man in the whole world curled up next to me, gazing and purring at me adoriningly, and I have a phone date to plan an awesome trip for my birthday. So, while there was no Corned Beef and Cabbage, or Jameson and Guiness, I will settle for my turkery burger with kale and a sweet potato, my wheatgrass shot. Because what I have this year is vastly different than what I have had any other year-- the joyfulness that can only come from being present to all the blessings that come with living this life. Cheers!
Peace, love, and :)
Christy
Peace, love, and :)
Christy
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
My cat, my hero
As I sit here tonight, icing and elevating, I am struck by a very powerful stillness and not because my legs are elevated. There is no inner voice! An absence of thought! You know the voice--the one that says "you could have done better, run faster, should have done this, if only you had/hadn't, the next time you better, don't forget to--that voice! It is not there. Nope. Instead stillness, quiet, space. Nothing and no one except for me and Einstein, just sitting and being.
People often make fun of me because of my love for my cat. It is a kind of hero worship. Should I be embarrassed that I have probably about 300 pictures of him sleeping and looking cuddly? Because I am not! He is able to do something that I have not been able to master. The art of just being. He is my zen master. I yearn for the calmness and sense of stillness of a lazy cat. Einstein earned his name for his smarts. To me, he is more wise than smart. He does some pretty dumb things sometimes. But he, in his wise way, has a gift for making me present to the moment. This gift might manifest itself in ways that to others appear like the behavior of an annoying, devious cat. But nope, not to me. His sitting across my papers staring me down as I feverishly type, knocking the iPhone out of my hand as I text, plopping across the laptop could be seen as a needy cat demanding attention. And maybe that is all that it is. But for me, it is his wise way of bringing me into the present moment. As someone who spends most of her time "thinking" and "doing" those moments of being present in the now are a gift. Tonight, he is laying next to me,curled up, leaving me alone...just letting me be. Pretty cool for a cat!
Peace, <3, and :)
Christy
People often make fun of me because of my love for my cat. It is a kind of hero worship. Should I be embarrassed that I have probably about 300 pictures of him sleeping and looking cuddly? Because I am not! He is able to do something that I have not been able to master. The art of just being. He is my zen master. I yearn for the calmness and sense of stillness of a lazy cat. Einstein earned his name for his smarts. To me, he is more wise than smart. He does some pretty dumb things sometimes. But he, in his wise way, has a gift for making me present to the moment. This gift might manifest itself in ways that to others appear like the behavior of an annoying, devious cat. But nope, not to me. His sitting across my papers staring me down as I feverishly type, knocking the iPhone out of my hand as I text, plopping across the laptop could be seen as a needy cat demanding attention. And maybe that is all that it is. But for me, it is his wise way of bringing me into the present moment. As someone who spends most of her time "thinking" and "doing" those moments of being present in the now are a gift. Tonight, he is laying next to me,curled up, leaving me alone...just letting me be. Pretty cool for a cat!
Peace, <3, and :)
Christy
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Family Friends and Fun
So, despite the fact that I spent a good portion of my weekend icing and elevating my poor ankle, this has been one of the best weekends that I can remember in a long time. Why? Simply because I spent the entire weekend with people whom I love and adore and just having fun!
Saturday night was amazing. I spent the evening listening to live music in the village and having dinner and drinks with my first true friend, and her husband. We met on the first day of pre-school and were inseparable until she moved. Life took us on different paths but we reconnected last year and picked up like we never missed a beat! Seriously.....not a beat! That is a true friend. And that kind of friendship is rare!
Sunday, I spent the day with my family as we celebrated my grandmother's 75th birthday. The entire day was filled with laughter, love and good food. And everyone there just cheering each other on. My grandmother who acknowledged her three quarter century milestone, my aunt who just fought the fight of her life against breast cancer and came up swinging, my cousin who made my grandmother a birthday card with 75 in Reeses peanut butter cups....this is the stuff of life!
I came home and caught up with a friend. As we shared our weeks in review, I realized. I have been defining my year by the losses that I suffered. And believe me, I lost a lot in 2010. But, I am a lucky, lucky girl. I reconnected with friends, gained freedom, and always have had my family and FUN! What more could a girl ask for?
Saturday night was amazing. I spent the evening listening to live music in the village and having dinner and drinks with my first true friend, and her husband. We met on the first day of pre-school and were inseparable until she moved. Life took us on different paths but we reconnected last year and picked up like we never missed a beat! Seriously.....not a beat! That is a true friend. And that kind of friendship is rare!
Sunday, I spent the day with my family as we celebrated my grandmother's 75th birthday. The entire day was filled with laughter, love and good food. And everyone there just cheering each other on. My grandmother who acknowledged her three quarter century milestone, my aunt who just fought the fight of her life against breast cancer and came up swinging, my cousin who made my grandmother a birthday card with 75 in Reeses peanut butter cups....this is the stuff of life!
I came home and caught up with a friend. As we shared our weeks in review, I realized. I have been defining my year by the losses that I suffered. And believe me, I lost a lot in 2010. But, I am a lucky, lucky girl. I reconnected with friends, gained freedom, and always have had my family and FUN! What more could a girl ask for?
Friday, February 18, 2011
Thursday, February 17, 2011
What I want you all to know about my Uncle Brian
1). He wasn’t my biological uncle, yet so much more than an uncle to me as you are about to see.
2). He was a Marine and damn proud of it.
3)He also loved his middle name, Ignatius. I thought it was just another weird obsession of his until I heard the story of St. Ignatius of Loyola at his funeral. And then, I got it! His spirit and soul was so much that of St. Ignatius" Read the story. You will get it.
4) He was THE ONLY person that could call my daddy “Johnny” and get away with it. No eye roll, no huffing and puffing from my dad. If you know my father at all, you will get this one! To me he is Daddy, and to Uncle Brian, he is Johnny.
5). I chose him as my confirmation sponsor. He was the only male sponsor on that side of the church that day. And boy, he loved that fact! The entire ceremony he was plucking me in the back, making fun of the priest, and talking to my friend Gina’s sister, who was her sponsor. I was super annoyed. Who does that in church? And he made me break a rule! He kept making me turn around! Read on, and you will understand this SO much more!
6). At my prom, he tried to buy my friends and I liquor. I yelled at him! What kind of grownup does that? I said “You are supposed to be a role- model” (my exact words by the way) My friends hated me. He loved me more for it. And yes, he made sure he was there taking pictures of me at my prom!
7). His favorite thing to say to me was “C’mon, Chris” and he would chuckle this goofy chuckle and poke me in my left arm. And it hurt like a bitch! And his favorite thing to say to my dad was “C’mon, Johnny!” It’s true, I am my father’s daughter!
8). When my parents weren’t around, he let me watch MTV. Another rule that was broken. We danced to “Welcome to the Jungle” as my sister was in the ER with my parents the night before Easter. Man, was I tired the next day! Just look at the Easter pictures with me squinting.
9) In high school, when I was listening to crap, he introduced me to classics—Zeppelin, Flyod, Springstein, Jackson 5, and Sinatra!
10) He tried to dance my first dance at my wedding with my Dad and I. And I was so mad at him for that! Again….who does that? He said he was trying to fix my Dad’s collar. That is what I thought, too and I was so mad until I watched the video. I think we all know better! Don’t believe me? Watch the video…the man was a wreck that day!
11) He was the first person who ever admitted to me that he thought I deserved better from my relationships than I expect from people. Actually, I believe the exact quote was “C’mon, Chris, (annoying chuckle) you are too smart for him, you must have known you deserved better!DUH!”
12). When I was first going through my divorce, he bought me a HUGE box of booze. He made sure to call me because he knew that I liked “some type of fruity, foofy vodka” and he wanted to make sure it was in the box o’ booze for our party. Not only did he spend hundreds of dollars that day, but he convinced the liquor store owner that my mom, who doesn’t drink, was a recovering alcoholic and told him “to watch her” as he stepped outside. He was outside on the cell phone with me to make sure he got everything that I and about 50 of my closest friends would ever want to drink, because we, him and I, were having a DIVORCE PARTY ! As all of this is happening, my mother was getting the stink eye from people in the store. He didn’t just buy one bottle of what I like. Nope... not MY Uncle Brian--more like 10 of each. And then he called me to tell me to make sure I told my mom that I wasn’t going to drink it all at once. Oh, and that he would buy me more if we needed to cover it up to her! To this day, I CAN NOT and WILL NOT touch those bottles. I hope that at my post marathon party , I might be able to. That is what he would want. His gift was meant for a party, and life, as he taught me, is meant to be celebrated. I am just a little stuck right now. He would be saying right now….”C’mon Chris”, because he knew how I got stuck and he knew how to get me out of it!
13) He taught me not to take life so seriously and that it is okay to break rules!
14) He inspired me. Not so easy to do.
15) I am so sorry that all of you reading this didn’t know him and I hope that you all too, have an “Uncle Brian”.
16) His life was taken away from him and all of those who loved him WAY too soon. It was a beautiful life. He was a beautiful man. It is so unfair. I am angry and I will never understand it. It will never be okay for me. But he touched my life in a way that will stay with me forever. He taught me that life was meant to be celebrated, to be lived deeply, laughed at, lived by your own rules, and not be taken so seriously.
2). He was a Marine and damn proud of it.
3)He also loved his middle name, Ignatius. I thought it was just another weird obsession of his until I heard the story of St. Ignatius of Loyola at his funeral. And then, I got it! His spirit and soul was so much that of St. Ignatius" Read the story. You will get it.
4) He was THE ONLY person that could call my daddy “Johnny” and get away with it. No eye roll, no huffing and puffing from my dad. If you know my father at all, you will get this one! To me he is Daddy, and to Uncle Brian, he is Johnny.
5). I chose him as my confirmation sponsor. He was the only male sponsor on that side of the church that day. And boy, he loved that fact! The entire ceremony he was plucking me in the back, making fun of the priest, and talking to my friend Gina’s sister, who was her sponsor. I was super annoyed. Who does that in church? And he made me break a rule! He kept making me turn around! Read on, and you will understand this SO much more!
6). At my prom, he tried to buy my friends and I liquor. I yelled at him! What kind of grownup does that? I said “You are supposed to be a role- model” (my exact words by the way) My friends hated me. He loved me more for it. And yes, he made sure he was there taking pictures of me at my prom!
7). His favorite thing to say to me was “C’mon, Chris” and he would chuckle this goofy chuckle and poke me in my left arm. And it hurt like a bitch! And his favorite thing to say to my dad was “C’mon, Johnny!” It’s true, I am my father’s daughter!
8). When my parents weren’t around, he let me watch MTV. Another rule that was broken. We danced to “Welcome to the Jungle” as my sister was in the ER with my parents the night before Easter. Man, was I tired the next day! Just look at the Easter pictures with me squinting.
9) In high school, when I was listening to crap, he introduced me to classics—Zeppelin, Flyod, Springstein, Jackson 5, and Sinatra!
10) He tried to dance my first dance at my wedding with my Dad and I. And I was so mad at him for that! Again….who does that? He said he was trying to fix my Dad’s collar. That is what I thought, too and I was so mad until I watched the video. I think we all know better! Don’t believe me? Watch the video…the man was a wreck that day!
11) He was the first person who ever admitted to me that he thought I deserved better from my relationships than I expect from people. Actually, I believe the exact quote was “C’mon, Chris, (annoying chuckle) you are too smart for him, you must have known you deserved better!DUH!”
12). When I was first going through my divorce, he bought me a HUGE box of booze. He made sure to call me because he knew that I liked “some type of fruity, foofy vodka” and he wanted to make sure it was in the box o’ booze for our party. Not only did he spend hundreds of dollars that day, but he convinced the liquor store owner that my mom, who doesn’t drink, was a recovering alcoholic and told him “to watch her” as he stepped outside. He was outside on the cell phone with me to make sure he got everything that I and about 50 of my closest friends would ever want to drink, because we, him and I, were having a DIVORCE PARTY ! As all of this is happening, my mother was getting the stink eye from people in the store. He didn’t just buy one bottle of what I like. Nope... not MY Uncle Brian--more like 10 of each. And then he called me to tell me to make sure I told my mom that I wasn’t going to drink it all at once. Oh, and that he would buy me more if we needed to cover it up to her! To this day, I CAN NOT and WILL NOT touch those bottles. I hope that at my post marathon party , I might be able to. That is what he would want. His gift was meant for a party, and life, as he taught me, is meant to be celebrated. I am just a little stuck right now. He would be saying right now….”C’mon Chris”, because he knew how I got stuck and he knew how to get me out of it!
13) He taught me not to take life so seriously and that it is okay to break rules!
14) He inspired me. Not so easy to do.
15) I am so sorry that all of you reading this didn’t know him and I hope that you all too, have an “Uncle Brian”.
16) His life was taken away from him and all of those who loved him WAY too soon. It was a beautiful life. He was a beautiful man. It is so unfair. I am angry and I will never understand it. It will never be okay for me. But he touched my life in a way that will stay with me forever. He taught me that life was meant to be celebrated, to be lived deeply, laughed at, lived by your own rules, and not be taken so seriously.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Day 1 Take 2
Okay, so today was my official first day of training! Overall, not bad. Of course, not good enough for me, but is anything ever good enough for me? Ha!
I forgot how much I spit when I run. I really like to spit when I run. Isnt' that odd? I always thought this was normal until I realized tonight that I was the only one doing it. That might be too much information.....
I am obsessed with my new Nike fleece!!! It makes my heart so happy! No seriously, it does!! Not only is there a zipper pocket for my chapstick (must hydrate the pucker, too), but the hood zips up to my chin and fits like a hat. But, the coolest part? There is a slit in the back of the hood for my pony tail or mess of a bun AND slits for my thumbs. The other runners had a hydration back, reflectors, safety gear! I on the other hand: a fleece with a slit for my bun and a pocket for my chapstick....prioroties! I suppose I also like how warm and toasty it kept me tonight in all 27 degrees of heat!Who am I kidding?!?!?! It is the slit in the back of the hood that I like. Gotta show off the red!
Oh, running in sunny San Diego is going to be like running in paradise compared to this weather. Maybe I won't come back! It is in June and I have plenty of sick time to carry me through to the end of the school year.......
The rest of the week, I will be participating in a marathon of a different type--PARENT TEACHER CONFERENCES. Full day of teaching and conferences from 4-9 on Wed. and Thursday Evening.
Einstein has had about enough of me not giving him attention and is fighting with the laptop cord and table cloth in a desperate attempt get the laptop to fall on the floor. And that is why I love him so <3! Signing off.....<3
I forgot how much I spit when I run. I really like to spit when I run. Isnt' that odd? I always thought this was normal until I realized tonight that I was the only one doing it. That might be too much information.....
I am obsessed with my new Nike fleece!!! It makes my heart so happy! No seriously, it does!! Not only is there a zipper pocket for my chapstick (must hydrate the pucker, too), but the hood zips up to my chin and fits like a hat. But, the coolest part? There is a slit in the back of the hood for my pony tail or mess of a bun AND slits for my thumbs. The other runners had a hydration back, reflectors, safety gear! I on the other hand: a fleece with a slit for my bun and a pocket for my chapstick....prioroties! I suppose I also like how warm and toasty it kept me tonight in all 27 degrees of heat!Who am I kidding?!?!?! It is the slit in the back of the hood that I like. Gotta show off the red!
Oh, running in sunny San Diego is going to be like running in paradise compared to this weather. Maybe I won't come back! It is in June and I have plenty of sick time to carry me through to the end of the school year.......
The rest of the week, I will be participating in a marathon of a different type--PARENT TEACHER CONFERENCES. Full day of teaching and conferences from 4-9 on Wed. and Thursday Evening.
Einstein has had about enough of me not giving him attention and is fighting with the laptop cord and table cloth in a desperate attempt get the laptop to fall on the floor. And that is why I love him so <3! Signing off.....<3
Monday, February 14, 2011
Valentine's Day.....What to say!?
Well, depsite the fact that I was trying to ignore the fact that it was Valentine's Day, as evidenced by the fact that this is the first year that my teacher self didn't wear red and pink from head to toe, somewhere, deep down inside of me, the need to be pink was there. Even if it was in the form of pink eye! They say the eyes are the window to the soul, right? No matter how hard I try to be a "hater" or a hard ass, I can't help it. I am a mush. I love LOVE. I have lots of love in my life! I love to be in love, love to give love and share love. So maybe that is why my eyes are pink. The bleeding, broken heart trying to say, I'm here...and I'm still beating, waiting for you to stop ignoring me. At least the eye drops will mend the pink eye. The heart, that might take a while.
Friday, February 11, 2011
Day 1
Tomorrow is the first training session for my team and I can't make it. And I can't make the second or third. I guess this is okay because I have always been a self-starter and one to take initiative. However, I can't help but feel like I am "letting my team down" or letting someone down. I know that there is a cliche that applies here, but I am so tired right now, my mind is failing me. As I sit here, my beautiful niece A is sitting next to me, here for a sleepover. She brought her homework with her so she could do her work like her TT and "because she needs help with math and because I am teacher and I know stuff better than anyone except her daddy". She just looked over my shoulder and said, "You're a good writer. Can you teach me how to write like you?" I guess I am doing something right ;) Pretty big shoes to fill!
Hopefully, my shoes won't fail me tomorrow when I run my three miles for my first "long run". Stay tuned.......
Hopefully, my shoes won't fail me tomorrow when I run my three miles for my first "long run". Stay tuned.......
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)