Transormation pains...

The past year has been full of change, loss, and growth, but it is only until recently that I realize that I am different. All of these events have transformed me. They have totally changed the shape of me. This recent shift in the shape of my being has transformed the ways in which others relate to me. Mostly, I have found this shift in relations to be overwhelmingly fulfilling and joyful. However, a recent episode has made me keenly aware of the other side of that shift in relationships--a phenomenon which I refer to as transformation pains. Transformation pains aren't sad, or happy, they just are. You realize them when you are sitting in a group of people who are talking about things that you once might have enjoyed or have been entertained by and hear yourself saying "I no longer feel connected....or need to feel connected to this...." "I don't want to be a player in this game" Transformation pains are evident when everyone I was out with called to see if I was okay because I was quiet. See, I was contained. When meaningless, gossipy comments abounded, I chose not to react. I became an observer. This is a game that I would rather not be a player in. It was a conscious choice made on my part at that moment. There was nothign "wrong" with me. I find myself wanting to discuss ideas in a world of people who would rather discuss things, or worse, other people. I want to surround myself by people who make things happen for themselves. I want to have meaningful conversations with those around me. When the conversation shifts to things that I do not want nor no longer need to be a part of my life--judgemental gossip, I pull out of the game. No judgement of those who choose this. I don't think that my choice to not partake in this type of conversation is better than their decision to particpate. It is simply their choice and simply not mine. The choice to withdraw is not about them. It is about me. And what I want in my life. But sometimes that hurts. Transformation pains hurt the most when I realize that other people whom I love are stuck. Or maybe when I realize that the relationships that I had with people can not be the same at this time because they don't work unless I am the old me. And I don't think that the old me is coming back . Yup, it hurts. A friend of mine said to me yesterday that what she loved about me was my loyalty- how fiercely protective I am. And that is certainly a large part of who I was and still am. But what is different, is that I am now fiercly loyal and protective of myself and to those things that matter to me. For the first time in my life, it is truly not about everyone else , it is about me.