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Transormation pains...

The past year has been full of change, loss, and growth, but it is only until recently that I realize that I am different. All of these events have transformed me. They have totally changed the shape of me. This recent shift in the shape of my being has transformed the ways in which others relate to me. Mostly, I have found this shift in relations to be overwhelmingly fulfilling and joyful. However, a recent episode has made me keenly aware of the other side of that shift in relationships--a phenomenon which I refer to as transformation pains. Transformation pains aren't sad, or happy, they just are. You realize them when you are sitting in a group of people who are talking about things that you once might have enjoyed or have been entertained by and hear yourself saying "I no longer feel connected....or need to feel connected to this...." "I don't want to be a player in this game" Transformation pains are evident when everyone I was out with called to see if I was okay because I was quiet. See, I was contained. When meaningless, gossipy comments abounded, I chose not to react. I became an observer. This is a game that I would rather not be a player in. It was a conscious choice made on my part at that moment. There was nothign "wrong" with me. I find myself wanting to discuss ideas in a world of people who would rather discuss things, or worse, other people. I want to surround myself by people who make things happen for themselves. I want to have meaningful conversations with those around me. When the conversation shifts to things that I do not want nor no longer need to be a part of my life--judgemental gossip, I pull out of the game. No judgement of those who choose this. I don't think that my choice to not partake in this type of conversation is better than their decision to particpate. It is simply their choice and simply not mine. The choice to withdraw is not about them. It is about me. And what I want in my life. But sometimes that hurts. Transformation pains hurt the most when I realize that other people whom I love are stuck. Or maybe when I realize that the relationships that I had with people can not be the same at this time because they don't work unless I am the old me. And I don't think that the old me is coming back . Yup, it hurts. A friend of mine said to me yesterday that what she loved about me was my loyalty- how fiercely protective I am. And that is certainly a large part of who I was and still am. But what is different, is that I am now fiercly loyal and protective of myself and to those things that matter to me. For the first time in my life, it is truly not about everyone else , it is about me.

St. Patty's Day

St. Patty's day is my second favorite holiday of the year. This is the first St. Patty's Day in a long time that I haven't been out in the revelry, getting into trouble, and waking up with a wicked headache the next day. It is not that I am not celebrating this year. I am. I have a great night lined up. I am writing a literature review for a case study that I am super excited about. I have my favorite man in the whole world curled up next to me, gazing and purring at me adoriningly, and I have a phone date to plan an awesome trip for my birthday. So, while there was no Corned Beef and Cabbage, or Jameson and Guiness, I will settle for my turkery burger with kale and a sweet potato, my wheatgrass shot. Because what I have this year is vastly different than what I have had any other year-- the joyfulness that can only come from being present to all the blessings that come with living this life. Cheers!

Peace, love, and :)

Christy

My cat, my hero

As I sit here tonight, icing and elevating, I am struck by a very powerful stillness and not because my legs are elevated. There is no inner voice! An absence of thought! You know the voice--the one that says "you could have done better, run faster, should have done this, if only you had/hadn't, the next time you better, don't forget to--that voice! It is not there. Nope. Instead stillness, quiet, space. Nothing and no one except for me and Einstein, just sitting and being.
People often make fun of me because of my love for my cat. It is a kind of hero worship. Should I be embarrassed that I have probably about 300 pictures of him sleeping and looking cuddly? Because I am not! He is able to do something that I have not been able to master. The art of just being. He is my zen master. I yearn for the calmness and sense of stillness of a lazy cat. Einstein earned his name for his smarts. To me, he is more wise than smart. He does some pretty dumb things sometimes. But he, in his wise way, has a gift for making me present to the moment. This gift might manifest itself in ways that to others appear like the behavior of an annoying, devious cat. But nope, not to me. His sitting across my papers staring me down as I feverishly type, knocking the iPhone out of my hand as I text, plopping across the laptop could be seen as a needy cat demanding attention. And maybe that is all that it is. But for me, it is his wise way of bringing me into the present moment. As someone who spends most of her time "thinking" and "doing" those moments of being present in the now are a gift. Tonight, he is laying next to me,curled up, leaving me alone...just letting me be. Pretty cool for a cat!

Peace, <3, and :)

Christy